Earth Girls Are Easy Limp and Hard to Manage

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Valerie: I didn't want you to think Earth girls were easy.

Mac: What is "easy"?

Valerie: [kissing him] This is "easy".

[Ted sees a bowling ball embedded in his computer monitor]

Ted: What? Oh, wait a second. They said the Commodore would stand up to anything!

Candy: Well I see split ends are universal. Lost in space with no conditioner, huh?

[from the song "'Cause I'm A Blonde"]

Candy: I just want to say that being chosen as this month's Miss August is like a compliment I'll remember for as long as I can. Right now I'm a freshman in my fourth year at UCLA, but my goal is to become a veterinarian, 'cause I love children.

Woody: [on the phone to Valerie, as cops attack him] I gotta go, Val - I'm gettin' my butt kicked!

Zeebo: [imitating Candy] Oh, my God. You're like totally black!

Candy: Okay you guys, what's the plan for tonight?

Valerie: Whoa, Candy, reality check. We can't go out with these guys, they're aliens!

Candy: So? They can still be dates!

Mac: Are we limp and hard to manage?

Candy: If you wanna be a femme fatale, you can't rest on your L'Oréals!

Valerie: You know, I think she might be right!

Candy: Grab the bleach, she's seen the light!

Valerie: Aw, Wiploc, I think I'll miss you least of all.

Wiploc: You want a liplock from Wiploc?

Woody: Waste your brain; wax your board; pray for waves.

Wiploc: Finland is here?

Valerie: Finland? No, this is the Valley. Finland is the capital of Norway. Gawd, you guys sure learn fast.

[from the song "'Cause I'm A Blonde"]

Candy: I took an IQ test and I flunked it, of course / I can't spell VW, but I got a Porsche.

[from the song "'Cause I'm A Blonde"]

Candy: 'Cause I'm a blonde! B-L-... I don't know!

Mac: Joe, take us to hospital, please.

Joe the Cop: Hey, clown, you're going to the slammer!

Mac: [looks at Mike the cop, then at Valerie] We go to slammer first.

Valerie: [to Mac] Listen, give them that love touch, then they'll come on to me. They'll be putty in my hands.

Mac: You want sex with Joe and Mike?

Valerie: No, no, just so we can get away. Do it, do it! You'll see.

Valerie: [Frantically to Candy] A UFO landed in my pool and they captured me but we made friends and I fed them Pop-Tarts and, um, they're here now, but Ted's coming home tonight so you've got to cut their hair.

Owner of Beauty Shop: What did you say?

Valerie: Oh, nothing. I'm on drugs.

[Turns back to Candy]

Valerie: Candy, you've got to help them out.

Candy: Would you listen to yourself? Valerie, no man is worth getting yourself in this state over. Mel Gibson, maybe, but not Ted! Valerie, come here, just sit down, honey, relax, have a mental margarita, and everything is...

[Gets interrupted by Valerie]

Valerie: Okay, I'm going to show you something that's going to totally change your life, completely, forever. Okay?

Candy: Well, in that case, let me get a cigarette.

Valerie: As if things weren't bad enough, now I've been abducted by aliens.

[the aliens have landed]

Valerie: There's a giant blow dryer in my pool.

Ted: [On the phone] Dr. Tuchman, please.

[waits]

Ted: Barbara? Ted here. Listen, uh, I need a really big favor. I want you to cover my shift at the hospital tomorrow. I'm going to Vegas!

[laughs]

Ted: Well, I'm gonna lose a little money, take in a show, and get married.

[waits]

Ted: Barbara, Barbara, look, jus, just because I'm getting married doesn't mean we can't date, alright! What?

[looks at the phone]

Candy: [singing] Because I'm blonde, I don't have to think, I talk like a baby, And I never pay for drinks, Don't have to worry, About getting a man, If I keep this blonde, And I keep these tanned, 'Cause I'm a blonde, Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'Cause I'm a blonde, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see people working, It just makes me giggle, 'Cause I don't have to work, I just have to jiggle, 'Cause I'm blonde...

Ted: I don't know, I'm just not that turned on by her lately.

Body Factory Attendant: I hear oysters are good for potency.

Dr. Rick: Yeah, I tried that once, but they kept slipping off.

Ted: If I was any more potent, I'd kill somebody.

Valerie: Ted is coming home tonight and there's a UFO in my pool. A UFO!

Candy: BFD. Ted's not going to be there for a few hours. Just chill out, Val.

Valerie: Wait a minute. Are you like coming on to me? Is this a pass? Because, I mean, if it is, sex is like *totally* out of the question.

Mac: What is sex?

Valerie: Sex? You know, making love. A man and a woman like each other and they take their clothes off and...

Mac: Okay.

Valerie: Well, no! No, no, no! We can't, no, because, I mean, me and Ted are, uh, are, uh, well, I guess we're not, but, I mean, uh, we can't because, I mean, you're an alien and I'm from the valley and we may not even be, you know, anatomically correct for each other. That could be - a real problem.

[looks at naked Mac's groin]

Valerie: No problem. But, I mean, uh, no, no, no. I mean, it just wouldn't work! You're from out of town. The phone bills would just be hell.

Valerie: [answering phone] Hello? Oh, Candy! The worst thing in the world happened!

[pause]

Valerie: No, Bambi's fine. It's Ted. Yeah, the blond thing did not work.

Valerie: At the rate we've been having sex, we might as well be married already.

Candy: It's been, like, a week?

Valerie: Two weeks.

Candy: Valerie, Ted's obviously a victim of PMS.

Valerie: What?

Candy: Pre-Marital stress.

Valerie: Oh. What'll snap him out of it?

Candy: A new woman.

Candy: [singing] I just got to say, Your love life's going nowhere, 'Cause you look like Doris Day...

Candy: [singing] Honey, if you vixenize, Guaranteed he'll get a rise...

Valerie: I was reading an ad for these pyramids you put over the bed. They're supposed to increase sexual energy.

Valerie: You brought a girl home to have sex?

Ted: Well, you weren't supposed to be here, Val.

Valerie: You were going to have sex without me?

Wiploc: Females!

Zeebo: They're hairless.

Wiploc: Who cares? They're round and bouncy. Bald thing, I think I love you.

Valerie: Really, I could keep my mouth shut. I mean, I'm the kind of person that you could tell anything to and I'd never tell. Ask my cousin, Debbie. You know, she got like her boobs done and I never told anyone. Oh! Except I just told you.

Valerie: I'm just a manicurist. I don't know about anything about anything, except nails. You know, nails?

Valerie: [singing] I know now what you're all about, What a nightmare, My friends thought you were a dream...

Wiploc: I found one. She's bald but beautiful. She's taking off her breast protector.

Valerie: Dr. Gallagher. Why are you looking at me like that? You want to do what? Oh, no, no. I couldn't. No! No, please. Stop! No, no! Well, all right. Ok. Let's see. Now, champagne, flowers, Sushi, feathers, um, sensual oil, right, and incense.

Valerie: I don't know why you abducted me anyway. I mean, I'm sure you're looking for somebody more important. You know, like Nancy Reagan.

Valerie: If meaningless sex is what you want, why can't you have it with me!

Valerie: You know, at first, I thought you kind of looked like a giant bigfoot or something, But now, I mean, if I didn't know that you were an alien, I would just think that you were a really cute guy. Who, I'm sure, has a girlfriend.

Ronald Reagan: You are Americans.

Valerie: Candy, whatever you do, don't freak out.

Candy: Valerie!

Valerie: I mean it, don't freak out. Promise me you will not freak out.

Candy: Stop it! You are freaking me out!

Valerie: Oh, wow. If I only had about a zillion gallons of Nair.

Candy: You guys are so lucky you crashed in the valley. It's the baddest place on earth!

Valerie: Whoa! Candy, reality check. We can't go out with these guys. They're aliens!

Candy: So? They can still be dates! Do you guys have margaritas on your planet?

Valerie: Candy, it's just not safe. I'll give you a lift home and that's it.

Candy: Don't get your panties in a bunch! We're with three major cute guys and it's Saturday night! Come on!

Wiploc: We go get Candy?

Woody: Yeah! Candy, gum, beer nuts, anything you want. Twizzlers. I got some milk duds.

Woody: Oh! You should've seen me today, man. Nothing but radical rips all the way in. You want some slushy? Yeah, I was barely off my board when the wahines were all over me.

Zeebo: Ew! Wahines!

Woody: Wahines. You know, girls.

Wiploc: Girls?

Zeebo: You know girls?

Woody: Does the woodburger know girls? Pinocchio got a wooden butt? I could fix you up with some bodacious chicks Just like that.

Wiploc: Don't believe me?

Zeebo: Like that.

Woody: Come on. Let's hit the beach. Ride the wild bikinis!

Woody: Hey, dudes, I just remembered something. What was it? Oh, yeah! At the beach today, they're having a Blonde-Of-The-Month contest.

Zeebo: Blonde?

Woody: Yeah, you know, Blonde beach bunnies. California's finest.

Ted: These degenerates broke into my home and destroyed my property. I want them arrested right now. They're MTV scum!

Receptionist: Wiploc and Zeebo? What are their last names?

Valerie: They don't have last names. They're performers like - Cher.

[last lines]

Woody: Hey! Give my love to Finland!

Ted: You got to bring that one-piece night thing. That, uh, corset - that looks like underwear.

Valerie: A relationship is a lot like a porcelain nail, Ted. You can break it, and you can glue it back together, but it's not going to be as strong as it was unless the person is really committed to not bringing home nurses!

Ted: Tomorrow night. I promise.

Valerie: I won't be here. I'll be at the nail expo. The cuticle convention, remember?

Candy: Someone ought to hose those girls down.

Zeebo: My panty shields make me feel fresh all day.

Candy: Are they straight?

Valerie: I don't know. They're aliens!

Ted: He was eating my Blue-Gilled Dorky!

Woody: Hey! Jail isn't so bad. It's where I learned how to surf.

Ted: Sweetheart, I booked the Cave Man Suite at Cupid's Lodge!

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097257/quotes/qt0311450

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